How to support
a survivor
We have written this as a way of providing YOU with advice and ideas on how YOU can support that man, that lad, that survivor.
It’s a good idea to educate yourself about the issue of sexual abuse/rape and the healing process. Have a look at www.wearesurvivors.org.uk for some good information.
He may not want tell you exactly what he’s feeling; what he’s been thinking about; the nightmares he’s been having reliving the details of the abuse, for fear of traumatising you. If he feels that he’s traumatised you it may make it even harder for him to cope with the legacy of the abuse he suffered and more often than not, will leave him with even more feelings of guilt and confusion. If you can get just a basic idea of the things he’s probably going through, having that insight will help you to be more supportive and understanding.
Every survivor responds differently to abuse although there are certain feelings that are quite common, such as fear, distress, humiliation, anger, shame, confusion, numbness and guilt. Those feelings may vary from week to week, day to day, even minute to minute; so it is important that you allow him to experience those feelings without him fearing they will be invalidated or dismissed.
It’s important he knows someone will allow him to talk and will try to understand his needs, rather than assuming they know best. Rushing him to ‘get over it’ really won’t help at all, in fact it will only make things worse for him and the both of you. It is essential that he’s believed by you and allowed to begin to rebuild his life at his own pace. The predominant feature of sexual abuse is that it was forced upon him, against his will – even though he may say that it was his fault, that he went back again, he didn’t tell anyone, etc. It is an act of violence and violation regardless of how much visible ‘violence’ is used and in doing so, takes away a person’s control. So it is vital that he’s in control of his journey to recovery.
All survivors need to rebuild the idea of feeling safe, of trusting again, of control and self-worth, all of which have been lost because of the abuse. These are not easy issues to resolve, and it takes time, patience and inner strength – something he does possess but often fails to see he has. Remind him of the strength you see, but only if you genuinely do, it’s there, you just need to step back and look. Any hint of the disingenuous will be picked up by him straight away, remember he’s an expert on spotting that!
DO believe what he has to say
Even if he sometimes doubts himself, even if his memories are vague, even if what he tells you sounds too extreme, please believe him! Survivors don’t make up stories of sexual abuse or rape. Let him know that you are open to hearing anything he may wish to share and although what you hear may be painful and upsetting for you, you are willing to enter those difficult places with him to and to receive his words with respect.
DO be clear that he’s not to blame
No one asks to be abused or raped. He didn’t want to be abused, and he had to do whatever it took to survive. The blame should always be put back as the fault of the abusers no matter how he feels he is to blame.
DO try to understand
Listen and understand why he felt unable to prevent it from happening. He may have been frozen by fear or have been suspecting and trusting, or he may have been threatened or physically attacked and may have realistically feared the worse would happen if he resisted. You don’t have to understand exactly what he’s going through, just saying you will genuinely try is already fantastic support. Just be there to listen when he wants to speak. If he doesn’t want to talk then respect his decision not to. Express your compassion. If you have feelings of outrage, compassion, pain for their pain… share them, tell him. There is probably nothing more comforting than a genuine human response. Just be careful your feelings don’t overwhelm his.
DO listen to his reasons for previously not disclosing
Listen to his reasons for not telling you immediately, or only just telling you now. He may have been scared, ashamed or embarrassed. Perhaps he chose to think it through first, or even chose to talk to other people less personally involved first, maybe he wanted to protect you from the upset of knowing. Maybe he’s only just realised it or admitted it to himself. Whatever the reason, the important thing to concentrate on now is that he trusts you enough to tell you. Isn’t he courageous!
DO help him feel safe
Help him to feel safe and take part in things again, but at his own pace and in ways he feels best. Knowing that he could speak to you about feeling unsafe and ask for your companionship when he needs it will be reassuring as he tackles difficult things and situations.
DO distinguish between “if only” and guilt
Help him distinguish between wishing it had never happened – in terms of wishing he hadn’t been there at the time, etc; and it being his fault. You know this but IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT, however much he may feel it was or say it was. Remind him it wasn’t.
DO reassure and remind him that you’re there
Reassure him that he has your full support and tell him that you’re more than happy give him the time he needs to work it through. Make it clear that you will be around to talk to now or in the future and help him to trust you by not pushing him into expressing things. Remember: he needs his own space and may vary between dependency and aloofness, all typical manners of coping.
DO remember about you
Try to remember that you may need support too and in order to continue supporting the survivor, counselling and support services are available for you too.
DON’T criticise
That response can occasionally make things more difficult for him and that is something nobody wants. The focus, however selfish it might seem, needs to be him so don’t try to make him do anything he does not feel comfortable with. This includes sexual acts, pressure to conform, people pleasing, doing something he feels uncomfortable with, etc. All survivors need to recognise their gut reaction and work with it as it is often their only safety valve and has protected them since they were abused. DO NOT criticise him for being where he was at the time; for not resisting more; for not screaming; for not talking about it earlier…or for anything else. Anyone can be a ‘victim’, regardless of age, gender, looks, etc. Any criticism of the way he handled the situation, either during or after the assault, simply adds to that guilt and it is important that the blame is placed firmly where it belongs – the perpetrator.
DON’T over-simplify
Try not to over-simplify what happened to him. Let him say how he feels, allowing him to work through it in his time.
DON’T tell him to “get over it”
Trust us on this one, that really won’t help at all. It will only make him feel even more isolated from you!
DON’T take control
Sexual abuse makes people feel invaded, changed and out of control. Try to imagine how this feels and try to do what helps him rather than what makes you feel better – listen to what he wants and needs. It is crucial to his recovery that he is able to make his own decisions and regain influence over what happens in his own life, in order to rebuild trust and strength. It is common for loved ones when they themselves are distressed by what they see, to step in and be too protective, treat him differently and make decisions for him, all of which will add to his frustration. If it was a member of his family who abused him and they are still alive, your anger will undoubtedly rise. But remember to allow him to be remain in control. This is not your battle, however much you may want to sort it all out.
DON’T see him as a victim
Continue to see him as the strong, courageous person he is who is reclaiming his life. Ask him how he wants to be helped and in trying, you’ll help rebuild his trust. Often this means leaving him alone to deal with it in his way but always be there if he needs you around. If he belongs to a support group that may make you feel unwanted, or unsupported in some way, it may also make you feel jealous which is very common. Please also know that once he starts healing, he will change and will be a different person but the person he ultimately becomes will the person he has always wanted to be – free from guilt, anger, shame and fear, to name but a few.
DON’T frighten him
Don’t come up behind him, touch him unexpectedly or in a way that reminds him of the assault or abuse. He may want to be held and comforted, or prefer not to be until he feels safe – ask him what feels safe and respect that. Don’t be offended if he finds it difficult to be close, emotionally or sexually – often it is just the memories being recalled and most of them are feelings of violation and fear. But do try to encourage him to say what it is he is comfortable and safe with without trying to add further pressure to him. He, and only he, will know what is comfortable for him and only he will know how he wants to spend his time with you. If you find that there is an emotional distance between you due to “problems, remember that it is not your problem, just something he needs to work through either on his own or with outside support, so don’t blame him or yourself, nor put pressure on him. Knowing that you listen and respond to him will help him re-establish feelings of closeness and trust. Let him lead and remember that his needs may not be fixed, what was appropriate and safe one day may not be the next.
DON’T direct your misguided anger at him
Don’t direct the obvious anger and frustration you feel towards the person or people that abused him towards him. He may be more worried that what happened to him will hurt those close to him, namely you. Reassure him that you know it is not his fault but if you do feel anger, make it very clear that it is directed towards those who committed the abuse and not towards him. Do not allow your anger to become time consuming, remember it is not your problem, although it may feel that way most of the time. It can make him feel out of control of the situation, that his needs are being ignored, something he’s already experienced and possibly ran away from in the past. You may need to ask friends or other trusted people for support and ideas about how to deal with your own understandable feelings of anger and frustration but inform him first – Remember: his needs come first and he may not want you to discuss his issues with others, so don’t break his confidentiality or trust in his disclosure. It’s a hard situation to navigate but it is manageable.
Make sure you get some support too, but remember, do this without breaking his trust or confidentiality.
You can contact We Are Survivors ‘Supporters’ service on [email protected] or call 0161 236 2182.