Watch your language

The old adage that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” isn’t necessarily true. We all want to be treated with and referred to with respect and sometimes choosing the right words can feel like a minefield!

Throughout the years, we’ve thought a lot about language. The words people choose, how they speak, how words are interpreted or understood and how the listener reacts all can have a huge impact on whether a given situation feels safe or threatening to whoever is present.

When talking about sexual abuse, words like predator, perp, perpetrator, pervert, abuser, nonce, sex offender, rapist, wrong un’, come to most people easily, mainly because they can often be words that are laced with anger, hatred and distress. But what about talking about those that experience sexual abuse, how do we refer to them? victim? survivor?

Using any of these words (and others) about those involved, and experiencing the emotions and the images they evoke, are valid, useful, perhaps sometimes even necessary steps for a man in the process of understanding his feelings and the dynamics of his abuse.

The thing is that different people will have different views on language and so we can’t really say there is a right and wrong. But what we can say is that on the whole, many people who have experienced sexual abuse will prefer ‘survivor’ as it can feel much more empowering than the phrase ‘victim’. Yes, they are certainly a victim of a crime, but outside of that use, we always suggest using survivor.

So much of the language that gets used in connection to the subject of sexual abuse, rape and sexual exploitation is legal language. For instance, the following ‘crime types’ are defined as:

Rape is when a man penetrates another person’s anus, vagina or mouth with his penis when the person doesn’t consent, and the man knows the other person isn’t consenting.

Assault by penetration is where a person intentionally sexually penetrates the vagina or anus of another person with any part of their body or an object without that person’s consent.

Sexual Assault is where one person intentionally touches another person sexually without their consent. The touching can be done with any part of the body or with an object.

Child Sexual Abuse is used to refer to the sexual ‘use’ of a child to meet the sexual or sexual/emotional needs of another.

With over 16 years of experience, We Are Survivors have found that once men are in their healing process, they can often move beyond holding onto defining words like abuser, sex offender, perpetrator and victim as it sort of runs the risk of locking the people who were involved in the abusive interaction into set roles. It’s acknowledged that always thinking of the person who abused the survivor in that role can also keep them seeming larger than life – and the survivor smaller. But with healing comes the realisation that in the present, the survivor needn’t continue to relate to the power dynamic of the time of abuse/assault.

Talking about someone’s abusive or harmful behaviour may feel even more possible, if it doesn’t have to involve automatically placing them in one of those categories.

‘Person first’ language can be a good way of honouring and supporting the survivors healing, for example, saying “…the friend of your family/your cousin who sexually abused you…” or “….the man/woman who abused you” rather than “your abuser” are so much better, clearer and removes any judgement.

Using real descriptions of who they were in relation to the survivor and what they did actually highlights the betrayal of that relationship, which the abuse caused.

But we know that the same words can be soothing for one person and triggering for another – what is cathartic and releasing for the man speaking, may be triggering and overwhelming for an unsupported listener or reader.

What may be useful, healing and appropriate in a therapeutic setting may be harmful for someone sitting at home alone, or in an audience where there is no support accessible.

Words can trigger anger or outrage, or a sense of hope. They can stir horror, disgust, sadness, powerlessness, recognition of victimisation, or a sense of having options for healing, determination, or happiness.

It’s crucial for healing for a survivor to find a safe place for discharging emotion, expressing despair, or talking about the depth of the impact as well as the hope and desire to live a healthy, happy life.

Always be the active passenger and remember that if you feel you got a word wrong, just own it and ask what word the survivor would prefer.

You got this!